Hilarious Amazon.com reviews

Occasionally, I come across these very creative, very funny Amazon.com reviews. Here are some critically acclaimed reviews (all real)  for 2 game changing products:

1. Uranium Ore (yes, available on Amazon)

Uranium Ore

Great Product, Poor Packaging, By Patrick J. McGovern
I purchased this product 4.47 Billion Years ago and when I opened it today, it was half empty.

The Traveler’s Friend By Shady Ave Reader (Arlington, VA)
Whenever I fly I always pack a can of this wonder stuff in each piece of my luggage. As we all know, so many bags look alike. How often do you get to your hotel, only to find you have walked away with the wrong bag, and are forced to wear a stranger’s underwear for the rest of the trip? We’ve all been there right? So when that confusing luggage starts whirling around the baggage claim carousel I just whip out my Geiger Counter and let the uranium go to work for me. I merely wait for those comforting clicks (and after longer flights look for the glowing hot spot) and I know I have found my bags. Occasionally airlines lose my bags (yes, it does happen people). But whenever I fill out that claim form, and let them know my uranium is missing – well I tell you, they literally SPRING into action. They’ll track down that errant bag faster than you can say “Chernobyl.”

And I cannot tell you how many new friends I have made in TSA and Customs since I’ve adopted this sure-fire system. Nothing brightens their day quite like finding a traveler with potentially fissionable material. Throw away those gaudy rainbow bag straps forever and step into the atomic age. It’s no longer just uranium, it’s my-ranium. Thanks Amazon!

Rest of the reviews here: http://www.amazon.com/Images-SI-Inc-Uranium-Ore/product-reviews/B000796XXM/ref=dp_top_cm_cr_acr_txt?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1

2. Hutzler 571 Banana slicer

GREAT Gift, By Uncle Pookie
Once I figured out I had to peel the banana before using – it works much better.Ordering one for my nephew who’s in the air force in California. He’s been using an old slinky to slice his banana’s. He should really enjoy this product!

A military endorsement, By HappyHubby
I have served in the US Army for over 12 years. I can say that there is technology being used by the military that is rarely seen in the civilian sector. Once in a while, however, an amazing product is released by the DoD for civilian use. The 571B is one of those products. Although once called the M571B Tactical Banana Slicer (TBS)V1, they have declassified it for public use. I am glad to see this product on the market today but I will warn you now, this is a CIVILIAN model and not designed for field use!

Finally! A way to slice bananas!, By N. Krumpe (Ohio)
Gone are the days of biting off slice-sized chunks of banana and spitting them onto a serving tray. At long last there is a saliva-free way of slicing bananas. Thank you Hutzler!

Next on my wish list: a kitchen tool for dividing frozen water into cube-sized chunks

Rest of the reviews here: http://www.amazon.com/Hutzler-5717-571-Banana-Slicer/product-reviews/B0047E0EII/ref=cm_cr_pr_viewpnt_sr_5?ie=UTF8&filterBy=addFiveStar&showViewpoints=0

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Did you know?

Some pretty cool stats in here even though I don’t agree with all the predictions.
What caught my eye:
1 in 8 American couples who married in 2007 met online

And a new catchphrase: BG (Before Google)

And a refined version of the earlier video, with better graphics and a cooler audio remix IMHO…

Want to buy Uranium Ore? Go to Amazon. No kidding.

You can buy Uranium ore on Amazon. New from $29.95, used from $2499. It will be shipped to you. And it is compliant with the NRC.

We are always in compliance with Section 13 from part 40 of the NRC Nuclear Regulatory Commission rules and regulations and Postal Service regulations specified in 49 CFR 173.421 for activity limits of low level radioactive materials. Item will be shipped in accordance with Postal Service activity limits specified in Publication 52.

If that isn’t funny enough, you have to read the customer reviews. They are hilarious.

138 of 142 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars So glad I don’t have to buy this from Libyans in parking lots at the mall anymore., January 21, 2009
By Kyle J. Von Bose “Kyle von Bose” (Anchorage, Alaska) – See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)
I bought this to power a home-made submarine that I use to look for prehistoric-era life forms in land-locked lakes around my home town in Alaska. At first I wasn’t sure if this item would (or could) arrive via mail, but I was glad to see it showed up with no problems. Well, almost no problems.

Unfortunately my mom opened my mail, because she does not respect people’s privacy. She was pretty upset to see Uranium Ore. After a long argument and me running away from home again, she finaly stopped being such an idiot and I was able to get back to work.

The quality of this Uranium is on par with the stuff I was bying from the Libyans over at the mall parking lot, but at half the price! I just hope the seller does not run out, because I have many projects on my list including a night vision sasquatch radar, an electromagnetic chupakabra cage, a high velocity, aerial, weighted Mothman net and super heated, instant grill cheese sandwhich maker.

You can shop for it here: Uranium Ore

One Star Pound. Optimized voice mail manipulation.

I love this article, not just for the geeky calculation of how much cell phone companies make annually by adding in the 15 second instructions to leave a voice mail, but also because it uses D.O.T. D.O.T are Desi Optimization Techniques. Many (not all) of my desi friends love to optimize their lives, their chores, their spending, their time, to make for a seemingly smarter way of life.

Examples:

  • Walking to and waiting at the optimal spot on a subway platform so that when you get out, the exit is right there. The time saved from walking to the exit at the destination adds up over the course of the year.
  • Finding the optimal driving / walking path to work everyday.
  • Figuring out whether to buy a monthly pass, a weekly pass, or an unlimited pass for travel by working out the optimal number of trips required to break even.

Now desis are not the only ones who optimize, obviously, but I know a very high percentage of desis who do. It’s ingrained into us to get around the system, or use the system to its fullest.

Anyway, enough generalizations. Here’s David Pogue’s optimized voice mail pain reliever. Perhaps D.O.T also stands for David’s Optimized Techniques. But he does claim to have gotten it from another source. That source might very well be a desi.

pogue_main
How to Bypass Stupid Voicemail Instructions

The credit crisis – A programmer’s two bits

With all the different takes on the crisis, it wasn’t going to be long before a programmer stood up and summarized his overall contribution to the debacle we find ourselves in today.

Michael Osinski, once a programmer on Wall St, now an oyster farmer in Long Island, gives us his story in the New York Magazine. Working in Salomon Brothers, Lehman and Kidder Peabody, he wrote a lot of the code used in the software to trade bond securities. He traces the evolution of securities and software from simple mortgage backed securities (MBS) to the now complex CDS and CDOs.

It’s a good read. Especially on the train to those oyster farms in Long Island.

My Manhattan Project

Osinski